


What the Hel?

by sunshineglow118



Series: Domesticated Angel's Mates [41]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Hellhounds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-24
Updated: 2015-06-24
Packaged: 2018-04-06 00:04:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4200219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunshineglow118/pseuds/sunshineglow118
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This has never happened to Crowley before. It was perplexing. He had never had someone fail to die when there ten years was up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What the Hel?

The screams of tortured souls pleased Crowley. Their agony fueled the need pits of Hell and kept the place running. Even in his throne room, he could still hear the louder souls, begging for mercy. At this, he would just smile because they really brought it upon themselves. Not that he was complaining about that, he liked it when a prideful soul came to Hell and then begged for mercy.

But the best souls to torture were the ones that sold it to the demons. Their souls were the best, dark to the core. Right before their ten year contract was up, they would begin to go to confession, Church, or religious places, hoping that they would be absolved for what they did. The dark centers of the souls would have a fleeting light around it, hope. They were the souls that are the most fun to break. 

If Crowley was honest with himself, he thought that selling your soul for something was stupid. Ten years to live with whatever you wanted and then eternity in Hell? This was proof that humans were bumbling morons. Crowley would never say this out loud for fear of being overthrown. 

Being King meant that he had to be an effective leader. This meant overseeing the daily collection of deals and reaps. A Reaper would only come to a soul if they were going to Heaven (boring place) a Hell hound would come and reap the soul, then drag it back to Hell.

Every demon felt the first drop of blood when Dean Winchester was torn to shreds and dragged to Hell. While some demons rejoiced, he contemplated. Back then he was a simple Cross Roads Demon. Being hundreds of years old meant that he knew things. Back when he was human (uh) he read about the Righteous Man being thrown into hell and somewhere along the line, the Apocalypse would start. 

Crowley figured that when Lucifer was done destroying humanity, he would begin to destroy the demons. So he sided with the Winchesters as much as it irked him to do so. They put Lucifer and his big brother back in the Cage and Crowley seized his moment to claim the throne.

Then both Lucifer and Michael were freed. Crowley did worry, as did other demons. There were some demons who wanted Lucifer to take the throne again. Crowley has them locked in a special place where other demons that are loyal to him can torture the ones that are not. When Crowley gets bored, he goes to those demons and entertains himself. 

But he was rarely bored. He talked to the Winchesters, knew that Lucifer would not try to take the throne, Michael would not lead a Heavenly army against Hell and that one time he thought it a good idea to listen to the Moose when he and Gabriel were...he never got that noise out of his head. 

But Hell ran itself smoothly. Torture souls...seal some big deals, bug the Winchesters, have a Scotch and call it a day. He had been following that routine since he had become King. Some demons thought that they should wage war on the four angels and their humans; Crowley told them that they could gladly do that, but they should not expect any help from Hell. Crowley knew better than to piss off a flock of Archangels and their mates. The Winchesters were dangerous in their own way, Blake Porter was essentially an assassin from the little he had found out about her, but  _Penny Spring_ was the one he feared (only slightly) the most. She had displayed no sign of aggression, which made her one of two things. One: not a problem, she simply wasn't aggressive. Or two: she was a bomb waiting to explode. 

Either way, Crowley wanted to piss off no human or angel of that Flock. 

"Sir?" A voice came timidly. Crowley was jarred from his thoughts and he looked at the minor demon.

"Here to give me the run down on everything that has gone wrong today?" Crowley grumbled. The demon cast his eyes down in submission.

"As you have asked, Sir." He quaked. The King sighed and waved his hand. The demon nodded and looked at his chart. "There were two rouge demons that we have added with the other insurgents-"

"Any more?" Crowley interrupted.

"There is no sign of any more, Sir. But we have more guards at the insurgents cells." Crowley nodded for him to continue. "The Winchesters have killed two more demons in the past week, but they were not ordered to kill them and the demons went after the Winchesters."

"It was their own faults." Crowley muttered to himself, not caring. 

"Your Hell hound, Juliet is expected to give birth to pups in the coming week-"

"Get her and the pups prepped." Crowley ordered in a bored tone. The demon took down some notes and then hesitated. He shook his head to himself and said,

"An additional eighty-seven souls have been pulled into Hell this week and the Cross Roads Demons have secured an additional twenty contracts this week."

"Anything else?" The demon hesitated at the question, knowing that he had no choice but to answer his king. He waited for another moment and then said,

"We do have one problem that we have found out only an hour ago." Crowley rolled his eyes, expecting it to be something like a soul punching a demon on the rack.

"Get on with it." He admonished.

"There was a soul that made a deal for ten million dollars ten years ago." He started. "But when the Hell hound came to fetch her soul, on time, she didn't..." The demon stopped and looked at the ground.

"Didn't what!" Crowley shouted.

"Die." He whispered. Crowley pulled his head back in mild shock.

"What do you mean, didn't die?" He asked hotly. The demon shook on the spot and trembled,

"She was ripped to shreds, but she kicked the Hell hound off, killed it and walked away." The King grabbed an angel blade and got off of the throne. The demon whimper, thinking he was going to be the one to get it.

"Oh shut up." Crowley growled. "Who was the demon that oversaw the kill of the human?" He thought for a moment. "Or rather the hound?" He told Crowley the name of the demon.

"She killed him as well." The lesser one said. 

"What is her name?" The King asked.

"Helen Boa." The demon handed the King a contract. Crowley read through the conditions quickly and gave it back to the demon. 

"Do not let this get out any more than it is." The Crowley vanished from Hell. 

*

The human had black hair and amber eyes. Helen Boa was wearing a black tan and teal summer dress. She did not look like she had ten million dollars to Crowley. If he could base her financial situation off of her clothes and that she was at a Starbucks, he would guess that she was middle class. Far from someone with ten million dollars in a bank account. 

Helen stood up and ordered a something from the barista. Crowley watched as she waited patiently, not looking at her phone as other humans were. When she got a sandwich and a bottle of water, she walked out of the coffee shop. Crowley followed behind her, observing her actions. She stopped by a poor man and knelt down. He watched in disgust as she took his gnarled hands with a smile and gave him the food and drink. It seemed that the poor man thanked her and she walked away as he opened his sandwich. 

He watched her go to her home, a small one away from the suburban town and she read until night fall. Crowley called for one Hell hound. It stalked up silently to the King and sat by his feet, waiting command. 

When the half moon was in the air, he told the hound with glee,

"Fetch." The hound howled to the moon dramatically, then charged the house. Crowley watched as Helen Boa jumped up in shock as the windows were broken by an invisible force. Crowley smiled when his hound slashed at the woman's face, dragged her to the ground and clawed her stomach open. Blood on the floor the hound reared back his head and bit down on her neck. Crowley whistled for the hound to return to him. 

Once at the feet of his master, the King studied the soul inside Helen Boa's still warm body. He watched as it lashed in the compounds of the flesh, as if looking for an opening. But then it stopped. The wounds began to knit themselves together. The blood on the ground receded back into her body, her neck re-aligned itself, and the skin sewed itself back together. 

The Hell hound growled when Helen's eyes opened. She got up, smiled and took her dismantled dress off. Crowley cursed the human. He thought about what to do next. There was no way he could go back to Hell without that soul. 

But there were a group of people that could help him get that soul. It would be hard pressed to get them to...but one Archangel might. 

Crowley cursed again, sent the Hell hound next to him back to Hell and then picked up his phone. He scrolled through his contacts until he got to 'Not Moose.'

"Crowley." A dark grumbling voice came. 

"Squirrel." Crowley turned and looked at the woman, who was now wearing a black petite coat. "Fancy a talk?" 

*

For some unknown reason, Crowley demanded an audience with the  _entire_ flock. Both of the Winchesters and Michael stressed that this could be a trap, but Cas and Lucifer said that it would be foolish for Crowley to go against all four of the Archangels. Regardless, both humans and angels were armed and ready for a fight. 

The angels flew them a block down from the location of the Starbucks that Crowley wanted to meet them at. The eight of them walked to the Starbucks, guided by the moonlight. 

"Do you have the sand?" Penny asked the angels. 

"Yup," Gabriel said with glee. "One portable bag of sand for each of us." While the humans were arming themselves, Lucifer voiced that the angels might be trapped in a ring of Holy Fire and then Crowley would launch his army at the humans. The angels worried about that, until Penny told them to each carry a small bag of sand on them, this way, if they were trapped in a ring of Holy Fire then they could just break the ring by pouring the sand on the fire. 

So now each angel carried a bag of sand in their pockets. Gabriel worked his Pagan magic and made the bags hold two cups of sand, but were stored in a Stevia sized sugar packet. 

The flock rounded the corner and the Starbucks was in view. Dean and Sam drew their guns and rounded the door. Counting to three, they then kicked the door open. When they were met with no threat, they began to walk in with caution. Gabriel and Cas followed close behind, Blake and Penny behind them, and flanked by Michael and Lucifer. 

With the eight of them in the room, they were greeted by a body laying face down on the ground. Penny and Michael stepped forward and checked to see if he was still alive. 

"He's long dead." Crowley's voice came. He was sitting in one of the back tables with a coffee in his hand. The Winchesters rose their guns, which the King ignored by saying, "And you're late." 

He looked at the Winchesters, who did not put their guns down. 

"What?" He asked sarcastically. "You think  _those_ will hurt me?" He motioned to the gun with his coffee. Sam and Dean looked at each other and then lowed their guns. 

"Why did you kill him?" Penny asked hotly. Crowley felt a wave of caution wash over him, urging him to be careful. He still did not know how she would react when she was pissed off. 

"I didn't." He said. "I actually found him like this." He sighed and gestured for all of them to find chairs. "I actually had to make my own drink." 

"Yes." Dean nagged. "I'm sure your life is horrible." Dean took a seat next to his angel. Once all eight of them found seats Crowley said,

"Currently, it is." He pulled out Helen Boa's contract and placed it next to him. "There is a woman who should have had her soul dragged into Hell two days ago, yet she is still alive." 

"Having management problems." Sam snarled at the demon. Crowley rolled his eyes. 

"Hell is just fine, thank you very much." He grumbled. "But this woman has now survived  _two_ Hell hound attacks." Crowley watched in amusement as Dean paled and Cas got a little closer to the older Winchester. "Don't worry, feathers." Crowley grinned to the angel. "I'm not going to hurt the Squirrel."

"How did she survive?" Lucifer asked quietly. Crowley observed that the angel looked like he would rather not be here. 

"Hell if I know." Crowley lied. 

"Cut the crap, Crowley." Gabriel scolded. "What do you want _us_ to do about it and what is her name?"   


"Keep your wings on," The demon growled. "I want you to get rid of the soul. I cannot have it running around."

"And the name?" Michael asked.

"Helen Boa." There was silence. Crowley had no idea what to expect next, but Gabriel lurching forward was not one of them.

"Helen Boa?" He asked.

"Did I studded?" Gabriel pinched his eyes and raised a hand to snap. Before Crowley could get away, he was flow via angel air into the house of Helen Boa. The nine of them regained their composure. 

"HEL!" Gabriel shouted loudly to an empty house. There was more silence and then a crash came from upstairs. The nine of them looked at the stairs when a woman with black hair grabbed the railing to stop her sudden decent.

"Dad!" The woman shouted with glee. She raced down the stairs and hugged Gabriel quickly. "And you brought the whole family." She smiled and walked up to Cas. "Uncle!" She hugged the angel quickly. When she pulled away she said, "It had been a while." She backed up and looked at Michael and Lucifer."Glad you two got over your fighting." She nodded her head. "All good things." She hugged the two of them quickly. 

Hel then looked at the humans and squealed with joy. 

"I'm sorry. But it has been awhile since Dad has found some family." She punched Gabriel on the arm playfully. She looked at Sam, put a hand on her hip and said, "I'm sure you know who _I_ am." Sam swallowed, surprised that the myths and legends were true.

"Aww." She cooed. "Look at him blush."  

"You're really Gabriel's daughter?" Sam asked when he got his voice back. 

"Ehh...I am more Loki's daughter than Gabriel's." She explained. "I am mostly Pagan. I only have angelic...title but default because of my father. I don't know. Are they the same? Are they different?" She laughed again. "It's great. During Christmas, when Pagan offerings are low and the other gods are struggling for energy my brothers and I are like, 'Really? You're struggling? We're fine.' It's not that bad, both deals." She looked at Gabriel.

"So thanks dad, for being both. What's the saying...Hakuna Matata." She finished. There was a confused pause and Penny offered,

"Do you mean to-mah-to, to-mae-to?" Hel nodded happily. She looked around the room and her eyes fell on Crowley, who was stuck in a stunned silence.

"You!" She exclaimed. The angels and humans gave a wide birth to her and she stopped in front of the demon. She out stretched her hand and she said,

"It's an honor, King of Hell." Crowley eyed her hand and took it in his own carefully. "I'm the Queen of Hel with one 'L.'" Gabriel and Sam laughed. "I know how big a thing souls are." She started. She moved to the table that was in the kitchen. She got on one side of it and began to push it towards the group. "So I got the ten mil that you gave me." She finished pushing the table and climbed on it. "Or rather, the demon gave me." She waved her hand and a part of the ceiling opened up. She reached her hand in the hole and searched.

"What did you mean," Cas asked her. "when you said that it has been a while?"

"Oh. Well, I doubt you remember, but three thousand years ago," She jumped up and cursed when she missed something. "I ran into you when you were stationed on Earth." She jumped again and growled. "Dad hinted at knowing other beings one time." She jumped a third time and shouted in victory. She jumped off of the table and waved her hand again, making a large enough hole for a human to jump down. She jumped into the dark hole and her voice echoed when she shouted,

"My brother's and I knew that there was something different about us." The voice paused and there was another crashing sound followed by a curse. "So I followed this feeling and I found you. I made myself look human and I ran into you with the form of a child."

"I remember being told to kill any sinner I met that day." Cas recollected. 

"Yeah," Hel's voice echoed. "In the long run, not one of my smarter ideas." A black bag was thrown out of the hole and Hel wiggled out of it. She waved her head a third time and the room righted itself. "But it would have been a bit mean if you killed you niece." She grabbed the bag and held it out for Crowley. 

"It's the ten million I got for selling my 'soul.'" She said. 

"I can't take it back." He said, still stunned. She huffed and rolled her eyes.

"Look." She spoke. "I know the amount of work that it takes, running Hell, whether they have one 'L' or two, but you can take it back." She laughed. "I have been killed by one Hell hound and mutilated by the other. If you want to send a third at me, you can." She paused, thinking. "In fact, I'm asking you too."

"Why would you want a Hell hound to attack you?" Michael asked. She shrugged. 

"I was bored." They all were shocked at her revelation at being willing to be mutilated by not one or two but soon to be three Hell hounds. "Okay. I'm going to tell you something Crowley." She gazed at him seriously. "Running Hell is boring. I've done it for about three thousand years. You've only been doing it for about two. You are going to get so bored you will want to blow your brains out." She smiled.

"That is when I got the idea." 

"What idea?" Blake asked her. She smiled.

"I'm around death all the time. So, when I was going to shoot myself out of boredom, I thought about what it would be like to die. So I planned. I made a list of all the ways that I wanted to die. But then I thought about what was not like the others." She snapped her fingers. The humans and the demon looked around, trying to find what she snapped up. Only, nothing was there. "Then I thought about 'Death by Hell hounds.' Not many people experience that and live to tell the tale." She winked at Dean.

"So I bought this house twelve years ago, took twelve years leave and started working. Two years later I made the deal and during my ten years, I went through every death possible."

"Like what?" Sam asked, intrigued. 

"Oh...The simple things: shot, stabbed, crushed, burned, drowned, suffocated. But then it got interesting. What was it like to die by being stoned? So I had to go to a country where stoning still existed, offend them and then get stoned. Then it I got trampled by a stampede, exploding, imploding, aneurysm, heart attack, starvation, dehydration, anaphylactic shock, cancer, natural deaths." She smiled at their appalled faces, all except Gabriel. 

"So with the majority of homicidal, suicidal and natural deaths crossed off the list, I began to explore the world of accidental. I think my favorite accidental, as well as one of the most painful, was getting chopped up in a jet engine." She smiled gleefully. "And then my ten years came up. I was so excited." 

"But then I thought, humans and angels, as well as Pagans can't see Hell hounds. When I couldn't see it, I thought I had to be killed in order to see it." She clenched her fists. "But the first one did not kill me, just mild mutilation." She rolled her eyes in frustration. "So I had to wait for the second one." She looked at Crowley. "I knew you were there the whole time. I was hoping to give the cash back to you when I healed, but you left." She squeaked happily. 

"And you brought my family." She got closer to Crowley. "Can you call the Hell hound again? I want to know if I can see it."

"Gladly you bitch." Crowley snapped his fingers and a howl could be heard from the distance. 

"Yes!" Hel jumped into the air with glee and snapped her fingers. The ten of them were suddenly transported to a random base ball field. Hel ran to the outfield and pulled out an angel blade. With the angels, humans and single demon around home plate they watched as Hel looked around. 

The Hell hound could be heard in the distance. Dean tensed up and began to feel like his time was up too. 

"Squirrel." Crowley smirked. "If you think I would send that hound after any of you, you are mistaken."

"Yeah!" Hel shouted behind her, hearing what Crowley said from yards behind her. "He is stupid, not suicidal." The flock chuckled when Crowley bristled. The hound howled a third time and this time, it sounded close.

There was eere silence for another minute. Then it was broken by Hel's shouting her joy,

"I can see it!" She spun the blade in her hand and crouched. 

"Gabriel," Blake wondered. "Is she going to make it?"

"Of course not." Crowley said before Gabriel could. "I sent my best hound after her." Gabriel ignored the jab directed towards his daughter. When he was going to speak, Hel interrupted him.

"If I kill the hound I get the ten million dollars, no questions, fine print or tricks, Crowley." 

"Deal!" Crowley agreed. Hel waved her hand and a silver mist wrapped its way around Crowley and herself.

"It's sealing the deal." She shouted. 

"As I was  _saying,"_ Gabriel said hotly. He looked at Blake and smiled. "She has fought with her brother Fenrir in his wolf form and won. I don't see why she would not be able to now." Blake smiled evily. Lucifer looked at the demon and said,

"It seems you are going to loose that ten million dollars." Penny laughed at her mates joke. All laughs stopped when Hel ran forward. She seemed to have tackled the force to the ground, because she was on top of something, suspended in the air. She laughed when she was thrown back. She put her arms in the air and the spectators could hear the growls and yips. 

Hel groaned as she flung the force over. The Hell hound hit the fence's cage and left a hole. Hel put her angel blade in her left hand and couched down. Dirt was kicked up as the Hell hound charged Hel. 

Then Hel was on it's back. It looked like she was being bucked off by an over sized pony. Her left hand (the one with the blade) was in the air while her right seemed to be holding onto the skin of the beast. 

After being bucked around for a few seconds, she brought the blade down and the Hell hound whimpered. She twisted the blade when Hell hound sunk to the floor, and the hound stopped whimpering. She waved her hand and two vials appeared beside her. She pulled the blade out and held the vials to the wound. 

As the humans and angels neared, the only thing they could see of the Hell hound was the black blood on the ground and in the vials. 

"What do you want with that?" Cas asked his niece. She looked at the two vials and shrugged.

"Who knows when you might need this stuff." She walked up to Sam and handed him a vial.

"Consider it a belated Father's Day gift." She hugged Sam and was surprised when he returned it awkwardly. 

"What about me?" Gabriel pouted when his daughter pulled away from his mate. Hel looked at her father and raised an eyebrow. 

"Oh." Gabriel said softly. Hel smirked at her father ominously.

"Oh." Hel nodded again when her father seemed to get it. He walked up to her and hugged his daughter tightly, which she returned with equal tightness.

"Love you, Dad." She whispered for his ears only.

"I love you too, Hel." He returned quietly in Old Norse. They pulled away and Hel looked at Crowley, who was holding the ten million dollars. She took the bag and grabbed his hand. Twisting it sharply, Crowley found himself on his knees before the Queen of Hel.

"If you _ever_ go after the eight of them because of the transactions that happened here," She leaned towards him and whispered in his ear, "I will reign my own Hel upon yours. And my Hel may be younger in comparison, but it has thousands of more souls than yours ever will because of the belief system." She got  up and her threatening form fell. "I'll see you around, Crowley." She looked at the flock. Smiling, she reached in her coat and pulled out a card.

"If you ever need sanctuary," She handed her card to Sam, "you will find it in Hel." She chuckled. "The one with one 'L' of course." She stepped back with a smile, waved one last time and vanished. 

Crowley, with pride crushed, got up off of the floor.

"Well," Dean said with a charismatic smile, "Did we help you?" Crowley wanted to say something smart, something that would bandage his pride, but nothing happened. So he ran back to Hell, the one with two 'L's.

*

"Sir," The lesser demon asked. "Did you take care of Helen Boa?" With fellow demons watching the King, Crowley did the one thing to ensure fear, he pulled out an angel blade and stabbed the bumbling demon. When it dropped to the floor he shouted, "Of course I did." 

He brushed off his coat and said,

"Now, where is the demon that made the deal with Helen Boa?" He looked as a demon was dragged forward by two other demons. "Put him in his own cell," He grabbed another knife. "I'm dealing with him, myself." As the demons dragged the other demon away, sparklers light Hell.

They raced around, knocking over scrolls and deal contracts. When they were done wreaking havoc on the room, the congregated above the demons and spelled out.

**TWO 'L' HELL**

Crowley felt a scroll in his hand that was not there before. He knew who it was, and it was not her father. He raised his head up to the ceiling and shouted,

"HEL!" 

Only, the demons thought he was screaming about the place he was in...

**Author's Note:**

> I had a lot of fun writing this. Your comments are, as always, much appreciated.


End file.
